Guess it was NOT for me! Ha.ha.ha. fuckeroo ya stupid jerky delusional kid.

ONE good word to describe me...

DELUSIONAL



So for no reason at all other than terribly missing her, I peeked at her FB again. (I'm witing about yesterday,btw) And I typed her name in google again. And I typed her name in youtube again. I dunno, must be confucing today with yesterday. Well whatever, I guess you get the point, I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe it's me talking...err typing. FUck! whatever. A friend of mine pointed that out to me this morning...and, yeah, I know my closer friends have been telling me that for more than a year now but...I guess I only acknowledge it today...that I'm obsessed with her. I finally see that I am truly obsessed. Or rather, I have finally stopped lying to myself, saying I'm notr obsessed.


OKAAAAy. What am I now ranting about?...


Well, this is about my last post. The post before this.
Remember me saying that I wish those pics with words in her FB saying "So Progress Report: I am missing you to death" and " I wish I was as INVISIBLE as you make me feel"?
Well...I typed those words in youtube search...and guess what?! They were lines from songs of her favorite band. HOW STUPID AND FUCKINGLY DELUSIONAL WAS I FOR THINKING EVEN FOR A SINGLE FREAKING SECOND THAT SHE MEANT THAT FOR ME?!!! Damn! I just fucking hate myself right now. Last night I lost all hope. I felt pain that I wished to be my last.(last pain about her) I felt like I'm dying. Hopeless. When I went to school I didn't bother to fix myself. I walked slowly.(unsual 'coz I usualy walked fast) I was always staring into oblivion. Not caring if cars hit me while I crossed the street. This empty feeling... This feeling of despair... of misery... of losing every single strand of hope I have in me... I kinda liked it. I thought, maybe now that there's no hope, I would stop hoping. Like a lit cigarette placed in a jar and the cap closed tight. Dying...extinguishing. Devoid of oxygen to feed the flame. I was hurting badly again. Crying inside. Trying to hold the tears back. Trying not to add anymore to the rivers and rivers of tears that have already been shed. Yet, I was somehoe relived that this will soon be over. The flame will die forever and I will be free of this torment.. this suffering...loving her.


But, while at school I had a very upsetting and demoralizing thought. So what if those lines were lyrics of FOB songs? She could have still meant those for me.

Now, I am struggling NOT to think about ascenario like that. I am desperately trying to shut out any thoughts that would rivive my screwed up sense of hope.


I'm just so sick and tired of hoping. My heart can't take anymore of this. If only I could make my heart stop beating. I need a rest. I need to rest.