Old Sayings...

There's an old saying that time flies when you're having fun. That time flies when you're happy. Well, if that's true, then it must also be true that time slows down in times or sorrow. In my case, it seemed like time stopped. Time stops when you are in despair.

What would have it been like looking into my own bloodshot eyes?
I somewhat wished I could have known.

Did the people see it? The horror I can see through my eyes?

They say that the eyes are the windows to your soul.
If that is so, did they have a peek at mine?
Did they get a glimpse of my soul? Did they find it broken? Shattered?

Or is the windows to my soul the one that is shattered that they can easily see not the reflection, but my soul itself. Engulfed by despair, transformed into despair itself, dripping out my eye sockets like a ghastly eerie ooze.

When you take away a man's freedom, you take away his future. If you take away a man's future, you take away his life. What thus remains is only death.

Will I find freedom in death?

I remember something in the bible that goes somewhat like, "If you are a slave in this life, in the afterlife you shall be free. If you are miserable in this life, in the afterlife you shall be happy".

I ask the question again. Will I find freedom from despair in deatth? Will I find joy?


I ask these because in times of despair, the question of Life and Death comes seeking answers. Rest assured, dear reader, that I will not kill myself. I am merely following the steps that people in despair go through, which are:

1. The Impact, where the cause is initially known and where time stops.
2. Denial, Regret, Blame
3. The emptiness
4. The question of life and death
5. More emptiness

I am not a professional, I am not an expert. I know despair, but not that well. Perhaps thinking that I do was a mistake.

I used to think that I know despair like a lover, always ever present. Keeping me awake at night, cuddling me in my sleep, greets me when I wake, accompanies me when I eat.

I used to think I knew all her moves. I never believed she can bring anything new in bed. I was wrong,she just did. And I sit here, awake at this hour, relishing the bitter ecstacy of our previous intercourse. A climax that lasted an entire day, two and a half years in the making.


I would like to end by giving you a couple of excerpts from the song, Welcome To The Black Parade

"He said son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned? Will You defeat them, your demons and all the nonbelievers?"


"A world that send you reeling from decimated dreams. Your misery and hate will kill us all. So paint it black and take it back let's shout it loud and clear".

"We'll carry on, We'll carry on"

A Past, A Mother, A Child, A Hope, A Happy Ever After

MOTHER: Oh, sweet child, lay your head, rest
In mother's soft, cozy breast
Oh, tell me, what's the matter?
Who has made you cry? Somber?

CHILD: No one likes me mother dear
They avoid me, ran in fear
I try to be friends, I do
Oh, but no one let's me to
They say it's because of you
A filthy woman, a whore
And I was born out of bore

MOTHER: Oh, don't listen to them child
So what if I'm filthy? Defiled?
Does that change my love for you?
Does that make my love less true?
My love, is all that matters
Like those great city rivers
No matter what state I'm in
Full of filth, muck, I may be
Or clear as water could be
I hold my head high and grin
I have you, my child, my sweet
My heart continues to beat
For you, in you, I found light
In a life darker than night
You are my only treasure
My sole joy, my sole pleasure
In you I found love, peace, hope

An accident you may be
Best thing that happened to me
I changed much as one could change
Like a dog healing from mange
To give you a better life
One free of fucks, drugs and strife

NARRATOR: Upon hearing this, the child
Sat down and uttered so mild
I love you mother, I do
I don't care if those were true
All that matters is that you
Love me with all heart and soul

The child sat, hugged the mother
A kiss replied the latter
As they wipped the rolling tears
And their sorrow changed to cheers
As the sun sets and moon dawns
In a town that never sleeps
The two ready for supper
And happy ever after

Angel Beats! ep. 13 rewatch

I re-watched Angel Beats! episode 13 again for two times today. And I cried again. =') I cried at both times that I've re-watched it. ^_^.

Angel Beats!

I just saw Episode 13 of Angel Beats!, the last episode. I have NEVER cried so much from any show or movie that I've ever watched before. Even now as I am writing in this blog, I AM IN TEARS! =') The last part about Otonashi and Kanade was really sad, emotional...moving. I replayed that part and I cried a lot more. The first time I was holding Pepito in my lap, our new puppy. As I was watching... I was able to glance at him and I saw hi staring at me. Maybe he could feel all that emotion I'm having or maybe he felt the tears falling to him as it runs down my cheeks. The second time, I put him down and focused all of my attention in watching the part I am replaying. I wanted to feel that emotion all on my own. Alone. And yeah it was really a lot more intense especially in the part where Kanade disappeared. I was really able to feel...it. The feeling of losing Kanade. The feeling of losing someone you love...but not in my perspective. The feeling was different. It's just so amazing how they made this anime. I have really connected with this. Feeling what they feel. Experiencing what they felt. The Joy... The sorrow. Amazing.

The ending...is really amazing. Extremely sad, but definitely amazing.

Yuzuru <3 Kanade

Arvin's Prayer

Oh God. Eternal Flame, Divine Light
Guide me in the darkness of night
As I face the coming of the tide
Stand by me, stay by my side

And as the waves swallow me whole
And as my sins take their toll
Oh Lord, promise me you'll stay
And guide me 'til the light of day

For You love knows no bounds
It spans far beyond the clouds
And Your mercy never gets tired
Even after all the stars expired

Lord, have mercy on my soul.

Paths

So now I am again in danger of failing my biolab102 for the 3rd time. This is my last chance really. My last chance to take control of what I want to become in life. So for days now I've been thinking of what I really want to be. I took all my weaknesses and strenghts into account. And the most suitable vocations for me is being either a philosophy professor, a writer or a priest. The thing is, I don't want to be a professor. It's too boring. As for being simply a philosopher, how am I supposed to earn money? Life is not as simple as it used to be in the past, say a millenia ago, or even a just few centuries ago. I bet Plato or Aristotle never had to worry about food. And being a writer poses the same problem. Yeah maybe I could work for the tabloids as a side job but...what if I couldn't find news to write? Then they'd fire me. I need a stable job, with enough income to let me eat at least 3 times a day. And I'm not so sure people would buy my ideas...the books I plan to write. And I always percieved writing to be a past-time, a leisure, a hobby perhaps, but never as a job. Imagine, pouring out all of your emotions, ideas, a part of yourself just for money. That almost seems kind of whore-ish to me. Prostituting my ideas just to have something to get by. That sucks. I believe that if I'm going to share a part of myself to the world, it should be because want to and not because I need to. I want to inspire people, make them understand about life, about love and about themselves. I want to save people through my work, to change their lives. And that shouldn't be done for the sake of something as shallow and worldly as money. Sure I'd earn money if my work gets published and bought but that would only be something like consolation prize and it cannot and could never be compared to the joy and true happiness I would gain knowing that I changed someone's life.

As for being a priest...yeah, it could work. But I NEED to be a doctor first. I need to know medicine so I could help people in wherever it is the congregation would assign me. If I become a priest, I would rather be a missionary priest or not at all. I don't see anything appealing in becoming a diocesian priest. Staying in your church, baptising people, marrying couples, hearing masses over and over again...it's just so...so...routine-ic. I hate routine jobs. I lose heart in doing things if it's someting routine-ish. I'd be miserable if put in that kind of situation, not to mention bored. But being a missionary priest is different. You get to travel to places, learn their culture, their customs and try to teach them yours as well - the Catholic faith. And it wouldn't be boring trying to convert those people because you need to use a different approach everytime, for different people. Besides, being a missionary priest would be sometimes somewhat adventurous because of the dangers in some tribal societies. You are still at risk of being a special meal for cannibals or being killed by people who don't want to be converted. But there is an offset for me in being a priest...I am, most often than not, controlled by my desires. In being a priest there are vows that are supposed to be made...the vow of obedience, the vow of poverty, and the vow of chastity. For the vow of obedience part, I almost have no qualms with that. But I might have a bit of a problem with the vows of poverty and especially of chastity. You see I can live simply with few clothes and no gadgets at all but I am extremely choosy when it comes to food. I almost cannot control myself and I gotta eat what I desire to eat and when I desire to eat. But what would really be a lot more difficult is the vow of chastity. You see...I have a monstrous sexual drive. And that would be almost impossible to control. - especially for me. Those two would pose big problems for me if I decided to enter priesthood.

My original plan in life is to be a Doctor. But that dream is in jeopardy because I might fail biolab102, as I said earlier. I got complacent knowing that this is my third time, thinking that I already know what I need to know to pass, that I could easily learn/remember my lessons. I became lazy and did not study when I have to...like I'm doing right now. I got low scores in my previous practical exams and now I'm still not studying for our last practical exams about the circulatory and nervous sytem, not to mention the preliminary examination which is also tomorrow in lieu of today's holiday. So why am I blogging here instead of studying, you might ask? Well, look dude. I am so depressed of what I am bringing upon myself this summer classes that I am losing hope. This is my third take in this subject, my last chance. If I don't get automatically shifted to another program, like I know I would be if I fail this, I'd be super-irregular and won't be able to catch up. 6 years in bio might not even be enough. I desperately need to pass this but...I'm blowing it! - like past tense isn't applicaple yet. I am so out of hope, so deppressed that my mind, instead on focusing on studying, keeps blaming myself for this situation I've put myself in. Now, I'm trying to think of ways, of something else in life that could make me be satisfied in myself and the life I lead. I know, study now think later. I don't know about you but it's easier said than than when it comes to me. My mind keeps wandering off and I can't control it. Seriously, is there any medication for this?


So now, back to the original reason why I decided to write this blog. I just found out a few moments ago, before I started this blog entry, the kind of life I want to have. The best life suitable for me.

I imagined myself as a doctor in a tribal barrio...let's say, the Ifugao people. A doctor in a village near the Rice Terraces. I live in a simple home, a hut, but has electricity. The village people come to me for a check up. I heal treat their wounds and illnesses. Naturally, I don't ask for any fee. But occasionally someone comes with food offerings to express their gratitude. I imagined myself helping them sometimes in planting their crops, when I have nothing to do and no patients to treat. I imagined myself being a close friend to them, an important part of their community, being invited to weddings, celebrations and such. I imagined myself meeting my wife there. A probinsyana. Simple and loving. And I imagine myself growing old there. Happy, contented, and at peace. Relishing the beauty of nature.

Guess it was NOT for me! Ha.ha.ha. fuckeroo ya stupid jerky delusional kid.

ONE good word to describe me...

DELUSIONAL



So for no reason at all other than terribly missing her, I peeked at her FB again. (I'm witing about yesterday,btw) And I typed her name in google again. And I typed her name in youtube again. I dunno, must be confucing today with yesterday. Well whatever, I guess you get the point, I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe it's me talking...err typing. FUck! whatever. A friend of mine pointed that out to me this morning...and, yeah, I know my closer friends have been telling me that for more than a year now but...I guess I only acknowledge it today...that I'm obsessed with her. I finally see that I am truly obsessed. Or rather, I have finally stopped lying to myself, saying I'm notr obsessed.


OKAAAAy. What am I now ranting about?...


Well, this is about my last post. The post before this.
Remember me saying that I wish those pics with words in her FB saying "So Progress Report: I am missing you to death" and " I wish I was as INVISIBLE as you make me feel"?
Well...I typed those words in youtube search...and guess what?! They were lines from songs of her favorite band. HOW STUPID AND FUCKINGLY DELUSIONAL WAS I FOR THINKING EVEN FOR A SINGLE FREAKING SECOND THAT SHE MEANT THAT FOR ME?!!! Damn! I just fucking hate myself right now. Last night I lost all hope. I felt pain that I wished to be my last.(last pain about her) I felt like I'm dying. Hopeless. When I went to school I didn't bother to fix myself. I walked slowly.(unsual 'coz I usualy walked fast) I was always staring into oblivion. Not caring if cars hit me while I crossed the street. This empty feeling... This feeling of despair... of misery... of losing every single strand of hope I have in me... I kinda liked it. I thought, maybe now that there's no hope, I would stop hoping. Like a lit cigarette placed in a jar and the cap closed tight. Dying...extinguishing. Devoid of oxygen to feed the flame. I was hurting badly again. Crying inside. Trying to hold the tears back. Trying not to add anymore to the rivers and rivers of tears that have already been shed. Yet, I was somehoe relived that this will soon be over. The flame will die forever and I will be free of this torment.. this suffering...loving her.


But, while at school I had a very upsetting and demoralizing thought. So what if those lines were lyrics of FOB songs? She could have still meant those for me.

Now, I am struggling NOT to think about ascenario like that. I am desperately trying to shut out any thoughts that would rivive my screwed up sense of hope.


I'm just so sick and tired of hoping. My heart can't take anymore of this. If only I could make my heart stop beating. I need a rest. I need to rest.

For Me or Not For Me?

i just visited her FB profile again...


so...


there were pics with words saying...

1.) i wish i was as INVISIBLE as you make me feel.

and

2.) so progress report: i'm missing you to DEATH.


how i wish that she meant those for me.

and how i wish that she still thinks about me evry once in a while.


God...how i miss her.


oh, how i want to feel her touchagain.
how i want to stare at her eyes again...and see her staring back at mine.
and how badly i want to hold her hands again...


how i wish that she could me mine...
or at least...just be my friend again.


how i wish... how i wish...


T_T my heart bleeds from an old wound that may have never healed at all.

T_T I cry tears that have been shed a thousand time before T_T



" when you hear this chorus do you miss the way the word was spinning for us? do you hurt the way that i do? after all this time you leave me broken. this song is every word i left unspoken. when you hear this girl i'm hoping that you'll think of us. " - MP, If You Can't Live Without Me, Then Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

After Almost A Year of Ranting About Change

This past year I always said I would change, that I would be a better person, the best of what I can be. I always ranted about how I am going to change my life so I could be...worthy of her, my love(who by the way, may have been the person who hated me the most this past year). After a lot of talk, a lot of self-convincing, a lot of personal encouragement...I still failed to change. I'm still the lazy motherfucking slacker I've always been, even after failing a lot of subjects in my first sem, first year college. I still am the smoker who, after 8 freaking months, is still unable to break the habit. And I am still the whining son-of-a bitch I always was, Sir Whinalot. A guy who complains about my life, this shithole of a country ravaged by corruption and injustice and basically the whole fucking world that to me seems full of evil and well...EVIL. Well I guess if it only that, maybe it's a still a weeee bit okay but...I am still the guy who does NOTHING. I do nothing to change, and if I try, I easily give up. Imagine, I have been telling myself that I will quit smoking today for the last 8 months. And also after months of convincing myself that I am finally getting over her, my love, my sunshine, I just found out last week that I'm back to square 1. I still love her as much as ever, unfading, unwaivering, undying. In fact, the only thing that changed about me this past year is that I'm finally being myself. I say the things I wanna say, and do the things I feel like doing. I no longer hold myself back. If I want to say green jokes, I say it. I no longer care that I'm in the presence of girls in my class. Ofcourse I still feel as outcasted as ever, but hey, at least I still have my friend Patrick who talks to me. We can be as weird as we want to be. For the past years, even since high school, I've been trying to repress my true self, thinking that my classmates would tease me and bully me because I'm "isip-bata". Now, I can be myself because people ignore me. That's the only good thing though. Haha. Can't say I'm completely happy about that. I just wish I had a tad more friends. Well, whatever.


"Secret love, my escape, take me far far away
Secret love, are you there? Will You answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here." - LSS. o_o