Just got home from watching Twilight with my tropa.
" What Do You Live For?" - the tag line from the movie poster.
Wala lang. Now that I'm alone again, that question suddenly pops into my mind and made me think...
Exactly what do I live for? Or why am I even alive?
Before I used to believe that I have a purpose in this world, that I will, in the future, do something great to save humanity( or at least part of it). That used to be my dream, to change the world, to make it a better place. You would laugh if I told you my fantasies on how I plan do it. I daydream a lot and I came up with a couple of ways of doing it, but if I think about it rationally, those are really really impossible.
I have no more dreams now. I have no goals set to attain. each day passes by, dull and meaningless. Nothing to look forward to, not even Christmas. Unlike before, oh how I look forward to every Friday and mondays too. If fact, I used to look forward to everyday of the week. I guess I was happy back then, or at least contented with my life.
Now, I am an irregular bio student. And yes, honestly, I didn't really study last semester. I gave very little effort in studying and no effort at all in trying to recover from my deficiencies in the prelims. I thought I had no hope anyway. I didn't even try.
And I am now really considering to shift to journalism. Even though I failed my at english 101, it is still the subject which I am best at. Plus, I'll have an excuse to write. My dad scolds me when I write stuff. He says that the things that I write are too negative and gives me his sermon on how lucky I am compared to him when he was a child. He doesn't understand me. Come to think of it nobody really does. I don't even know if I understand my own self.
Before I used to say to myself that I will become a doctor and dedicate part of my daily time in offering free services to the poor. Now, the only reason why I want to become a doctor is for the money. So I could get out of this house and be free to do all the things I want to do. - particularly to express myself freely.
After watching Twilight, I realized how boring and miserable my life is without love. I'd hate to compare my life with movies but, wouldn't it be dramatically wonderful to have someone to want and need you like Edward and Bella wants and needs each other. Like what my friend Daryl said to me before, Everyone needs to be needed back.
Will I ever find someone who will need me as much as I need her? * if you're planning to tell me that I am still young and that the time will come when I will meet the girl for me...YES, I KNOW! *
I am just one confused soul right now. I dunno what I want to do with my life. I don't even know if I want to continue on living. I dunno, but I really am not happy. There might really be no valid reason why I shouldn't be, but I really am not.
WHAT DO I LIVE FOR?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Day I Got My Life Back!
The 13th of November. It's now been a year since THAT day. A day that used to be a full of misery and pain for me. The day my ex broke up with me.
looking back. . .
It was about 7 at night back then. I got on my bike and rode off to a 3 km journey to my ex's house. She didn't answer my calls nor replied to my txts. So I decided to pay her a little visit. Ignoring my mom telling that it's already late. My curfew back then was still at 6 pm. ( If not involved with some school activities.) I took a shortcut through Putol into Multinational Village.
On the way, my mind speculated on why she wouldn't answer my calls. We were on an unofficial coof -off at that time. She was the one who insisted that we have a cool-off. - for a some reason that I now forgotten why.
When I arrived at the corner of the street where her house was at, I saw her older sister. I asked her where she was and she told me that Jhen( my ex) was at home. She seemed kinda trouble or sort of reluctant in her answer. I proceeded to go to her house when I came across Jhen on the street that leads to her house. She was with this guy. He was about 5' 9 in height, moreno, medium build but kinda muscular. I asked her who he was and she told me that it was her cousin's bf and she was just seeing him off. But I had this feeling that she was lying. So I placed my arm across her shoulders and asked the guy...
" Girlfriend mo ba ito? ".
I was ready to ram my bike into him and pound him if his answer was yes. He said no, but I noticed what would look like a sarcastic "look" in his face.
So I asked my gf why she was not answering my calls. She said all sorts of lies and reasons why. Unfortunately, I bought it - every damn single one of it.
After being convinced she told me to go home already. It was already late and she still have lots to do. So I kissed her good bye, at that guy's presence, and went on my way.
When I got home, I recalled what happened and felt that something was really wrong. So I called and flooded her cellfone with txt nonstop until she finally had enough and answered it. She was really really pissed off and told me EVERYTHING. - that the guy was really her new bf, and they had a deal that if ever he and I would ever cross paths, he would deny that they were having an affair. In short, the bitch was two-timing me.
After revealing all that, she told me that we were done, over. She broke up with me. - over the damn fone. With this unexplainable feeling of shock and pain, I took off to her house again at 9 in the evening. The 30 minute ride to her house felt like a hundred years. I felt all sorts of things and had all sorts of thoughts in my head all at the same time.
When I got to her house, I found her lying on their living room watching tv. I called her out to talk. I asked her if we were really breaking up and if she really loves the guy.
The really stupid thing I regret doing was asking her if we could do something about it, if we really had to break up. - whenever I think of this, I really end up punching the wall and hurting myself. It was a really fucking stupid shameful thing to say. I threw away my fucking pride just for a girl like her.
So for the last time, I kissed her - another thing I really reget, and set for home. On my way, I felt mixed emotions. With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, I looked up the night sky, and said to myself: " The fighting is over ". ( We had fights and other break-ups in the past)
I was sad because I loved her.
I was angry because she betrayed me.
yet,
I was relieved and happy that finally, it's over.
No more pain. And no more future that is doomed to have had full of regrets, betreyal and a hell lot of suffering with her.
How could I say that we could have had a future together? Well, that's because her family really likes me. Her ate even made me a godfather of her daughter. Jhen was the youngest in her family,btw.
She was about to turn 18, while I just only turned 16.
And I admit, while we were still together, we already made plans to have a family.
We agreed that I would marry her when I turn 22 and she 24.
That we will have 2 kids, that we will have our own home and that sort of stuff.
I guess looking back at it now, it's really sort of awkward because we were still really young. And I know that she is not the kind of girl that I wanna wake up with every morning of my life.
When we were still together, my life was going down the drain. It was in chaos.
And spending my life with her would have been like throwing away my life in the trash.
I thank God for rescuing me from her, from a life with her.
That time, I was praying a lot to God, to help me graduate. And she was one of the reasons why I was failing. I was so hung up to her. So I really think that God was the one who guided me to visit her that night, He guided everything that happened, so that I could meet the guy. So I could carry on with my life and be able to do great things. A life with her would have really sucked. A life not worth living, a life with no accomplishments.
So thank you, God! (",)
looking back. . .
It was about 7 at night back then. I got on my bike and rode off to a 3 km journey to my ex's house. She didn't answer my calls nor replied to my txts. So I decided to pay her a little visit. Ignoring my mom telling that it's already late. My curfew back then was still at 6 pm. ( If not involved with some school activities.) I took a shortcut through Putol into Multinational Village.
On the way, my mind speculated on why she wouldn't answer my calls. We were on an unofficial coof -off at that time. She was the one who insisted that we have a cool-off. - for a some reason that I now forgotten why.
When I arrived at the corner of the street where her house was at, I saw her older sister. I asked her where she was and she told me that Jhen( my ex) was at home. She seemed kinda trouble or sort of reluctant in her answer. I proceeded to go to her house when I came across Jhen on the street that leads to her house. She was with this guy. He was about 5' 9 in height, moreno, medium build but kinda muscular. I asked her who he was and she told me that it was her cousin's bf and she was just seeing him off. But I had this feeling that she was lying. So I placed my arm across her shoulders and asked the guy...
" Girlfriend mo ba ito? ".
I was ready to ram my bike into him and pound him if his answer was yes. He said no, but I noticed what would look like a sarcastic "look" in his face.
So I asked my gf why she was not answering my calls. She said all sorts of lies and reasons why. Unfortunately, I bought it - every damn single one of it.
After being convinced she told me to go home already. It was already late and she still have lots to do. So I kissed her good bye, at that guy's presence, and went on my way.
When I got home, I recalled what happened and felt that something was really wrong. So I called and flooded her cellfone with txt nonstop until she finally had enough and answered it. She was really really pissed off and told me EVERYTHING. - that the guy was really her new bf, and they had a deal that if ever he and I would ever cross paths, he would deny that they were having an affair. In short, the bitch was two-timing me.
After revealing all that, she told me that we were done, over. She broke up with me. - over the damn fone. With this unexplainable feeling of shock and pain, I took off to her house again at 9 in the evening. The 30 minute ride to her house felt like a hundred years. I felt all sorts of things and had all sorts of thoughts in my head all at the same time.
When I got to her house, I found her lying on their living room watching tv. I called her out to talk. I asked her if we were really breaking up and if she really loves the guy.
The really stupid thing I regret doing was asking her if we could do something about it, if we really had to break up. - whenever I think of this, I really end up punching the wall and hurting myself. It was a really fucking stupid shameful thing to say. I threw away my fucking pride just for a girl like her.
So for the last time, I kissed her - another thing I really reget, and set for home. On my way, I felt mixed emotions. With tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, I looked up the night sky, and said to myself: " The fighting is over ". ( We had fights and other break-ups in the past)
I was sad because I loved her.
I was angry because she betrayed me.
yet,
I was relieved and happy that finally, it's over.
No more pain. And no more future that is doomed to have had full of regrets, betreyal and a hell lot of suffering with her.
How could I say that we could have had a future together? Well, that's because her family really likes me. Her ate even made me a godfather of her daughter. Jhen was the youngest in her family,btw.
She was about to turn 18, while I just only turned 16.
And I admit, while we were still together, we already made plans to have a family.
We agreed that I would marry her when I turn 22 and she 24.
That we will have 2 kids, that we will have our own home and that sort of stuff.
I guess looking back at it now, it's really sort of awkward because we were still really young. And I know that she is not the kind of girl that I wanna wake up with every morning of my life.
When we were still together, my life was going down the drain. It was in chaos.
And spending my life with her would have been like throwing away my life in the trash.
I thank God for rescuing me from her, from a life with her.
That time, I was praying a lot to God, to help me graduate. And she was one of the reasons why I was failing. I was so hung up to her. So I really think that God was the one who guided me to visit her that night, He guided everything that happened, so that I could meet the guy. So I could carry on with my life and be able to do great things. A life with her would have really sucked. A life not worth living, a life with no accomplishments.
So thank you, God! (",)
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