Paths

So now I am again in danger of failing my biolab102 for the 3rd time. This is my last chance really. My last chance to take control of what I want to become in life. So for days now I've been thinking of what I really want to be. I took all my weaknesses and strenghts into account. And the most suitable vocations for me is being either a philosophy professor, a writer or a priest. The thing is, I don't want to be a professor. It's too boring. As for being simply a philosopher, how am I supposed to earn money? Life is not as simple as it used to be in the past, say a millenia ago, or even a just few centuries ago. I bet Plato or Aristotle never had to worry about food. And being a writer poses the same problem. Yeah maybe I could work for the tabloids as a side job but...what if I couldn't find news to write? Then they'd fire me. I need a stable job, with enough income to let me eat at least 3 times a day. And I'm not so sure people would buy my ideas...the books I plan to write. And I always percieved writing to be a past-time, a leisure, a hobby perhaps, but never as a job. Imagine, pouring out all of your emotions, ideas, a part of yourself just for money. That almost seems kind of whore-ish to me. Prostituting my ideas just to have something to get by. That sucks. I believe that if I'm going to share a part of myself to the world, it should be because want to and not because I need to. I want to inspire people, make them understand about life, about love and about themselves. I want to save people through my work, to change their lives. And that shouldn't be done for the sake of something as shallow and worldly as money. Sure I'd earn money if my work gets published and bought but that would only be something like consolation prize and it cannot and could never be compared to the joy and true happiness I would gain knowing that I changed someone's life.

As for being a priest...yeah, it could work. But I NEED to be a doctor first. I need to know medicine so I could help people in wherever it is the congregation would assign me. If I become a priest, I would rather be a missionary priest or not at all. I don't see anything appealing in becoming a diocesian priest. Staying in your church, baptising people, marrying couples, hearing masses over and over again...it's just so...so...routine-ic. I hate routine jobs. I lose heart in doing things if it's someting routine-ish. I'd be miserable if put in that kind of situation, not to mention bored. But being a missionary priest is different. You get to travel to places, learn their culture, their customs and try to teach them yours as well - the Catholic faith. And it wouldn't be boring trying to convert those people because you need to use a different approach everytime, for different people. Besides, being a missionary priest would be sometimes somewhat adventurous because of the dangers in some tribal societies. You are still at risk of being a special meal for cannibals or being killed by people who don't want to be converted. But there is an offset for me in being a priest...I am, most often than not, controlled by my desires. In being a priest there are vows that are supposed to be made...the vow of obedience, the vow of poverty, and the vow of chastity. For the vow of obedience part, I almost have no qualms with that. But I might have a bit of a problem with the vows of poverty and especially of chastity. You see I can live simply with few clothes and no gadgets at all but I am extremely choosy when it comes to food. I almost cannot control myself and I gotta eat what I desire to eat and when I desire to eat. But what would really be a lot more difficult is the vow of chastity. You see...I have a monstrous sexual drive. And that would be almost impossible to control. - especially for me. Those two would pose big problems for me if I decided to enter priesthood.

My original plan in life is to be a Doctor. But that dream is in jeopardy because I might fail biolab102, as I said earlier. I got complacent knowing that this is my third time, thinking that I already know what I need to know to pass, that I could easily learn/remember my lessons. I became lazy and did not study when I have to...like I'm doing right now. I got low scores in my previous practical exams and now I'm still not studying for our last practical exams about the circulatory and nervous sytem, not to mention the preliminary examination which is also tomorrow in lieu of today's holiday. So why am I blogging here instead of studying, you might ask? Well, look dude. I am so depressed of what I am bringing upon myself this summer classes that I am losing hope. This is my third take in this subject, my last chance. If I don't get automatically shifted to another program, like I know I would be if I fail this, I'd be super-irregular and won't be able to catch up. 6 years in bio might not even be enough. I desperately need to pass this but...I'm blowing it! - like past tense isn't applicaple yet. I am so out of hope, so deppressed that my mind, instead on focusing on studying, keeps blaming myself for this situation I've put myself in. Now, I'm trying to think of ways, of something else in life that could make me be satisfied in myself and the life I lead. I know, study now think later. I don't know about you but it's easier said than than when it comes to me. My mind keeps wandering off and I can't control it. Seriously, is there any medication for this?


So now, back to the original reason why I decided to write this blog. I just found out a few moments ago, before I started this blog entry, the kind of life I want to have. The best life suitable for me.

I imagined myself as a doctor in a tribal barrio...let's say, the Ifugao people. A doctor in a village near the Rice Terraces. I live in a simple home, a hut, but has electricity. The village people come to me for a check up. I heal treat their wounds and illnesses. Naturally, I don't ask for any fee. But occasionally someone comes with food offerings to express their gratitude. I imagined myself helping them sometimes in planting their crops, when I have nothing to do and no patients to treat. I imagined myself being a close friend to them, an important part of their community, being invited to weddings, celebrations and such. I imagined myself meeting my wife there. A probinsyana. Simple and loving. And I imagine myself growing old there. Happy, contented, and at peace. Relishing the beauty of nature.