What Do You Live For?

Just got home from watching Twilight with my tropa.

" What Do You Live For?" - the tag line from the movie poster.

Wala lang. Now that I'm alone again, that question suddenly pops into my mind and made me think...

Exactly what do I live for? Or why am I even alive?

Before I used to believe that I have a purpose in this world, that I will, in the future, do something great to save humanity( or at least part of it). That used to be my dream, to change the world, to make it a better place. You would laugh if I told you my fantasies on how I plan do it. I daydream a lot and I came up with a couple of ways of doing it, but if I think about it rationally, those are really really impossible.

I have no more dreams now. I have no goals set to attain. each day passes by, dull and meaningless. Nothing to look forward to, not even Christmas. Unlike before, oh how I look forward to every Friday and mondays too. If fact, I used to look forward to everyday of the week. I guess I was happy back then, or at least contented with my life.

Now, I am an irregular bio student. And yes, honestly, I didn't really study last semester. I gave very little effort in studying and no effort at all in trying to recover from my deficiencies in the prelims. I thought I had no hope anyway. I didn't even try.

And I am now really considering to shift to journalism. Even though I failed my at english 101, it is still the subject which I am best at. Plus, I'll have an excuse to write. My dad scolds me when I write stuff. He says that the things that I write are too negative and gives me his sermon on how lucky I am compared to him when he was a child. He doesn't understand me. Come to think of it nobody really does. I don't even know if I understand my own self.

Before I used to say to myself that I will become a doctor and dedicate part of my daily time in offering free services to the poor. Now, the only reason why I want to become a doctor is for the money. So I could get out of this house and be free to do all the things I want to do. - particularly to express myself freely.

After watching Twilight, I realized how boring and miserable my life is without love. I'd hate to compare my life with movies but, wouldn't it be dramatically wonderful to have someone to want and need you like Edward and Bella wants and needs each other. Like what my friend Daryl said to me before, Everyone needs to be needed back.
Will I ever find someone who will need me as much as I need her? * if you're planning to tell me that I am still young and that the time will come when I will meet the girl for me...YES, I KNOW! *

I am just one confused soul right now. I dunno what I want to do with my life. I don't even know if I want to continue on living. I dunno, but I really am not happy. There might really be no valid reason why I shouldn't be, but I really am not.


WHAT DO I LIVE FOR?