After Almost A Year of Ranting About Change

This past year I always said I would change, that I would be a better person, the best of what I can be. I always ranted about how I am going to change my life so I could be...worthy of her, my love(who by the way, may have been the person who hated me the most this past year). After a lot of talk, a lot of self-convincing, a lot of personal encouragement...I still failed to change. I'm still the lazy motherfucking slacker I've always been, even after failing a lot of subjects in my first sem, first year college. I still am the smoker who, after 8 freaking months, is still unable to break the habit. And I am still the whining son-of-a bitch I always was, Sir Whinalot. A guy who complains about my life, this shithole of a country ravaged by corruption and injustice and basically the whole fucking world that to me seems full of evil and well...EVIL. Well I guess if it only that, maybe it's a still a weeee bit okay but...I am still the guy who does NOTHING. I do nothing to change, and if I try, I easily give up. Imagine, I have been telling myself that I will quit smoking today for the last 8 months. And also after months of convincing myself that I am finally getting over her, my love, my sunshine, I just found out last week that I'm back to square 1. I still love her as much as ever, unfading, unwaivering, undying. In fact, the only thing that changed about me this past year is that I'm finally being myself. I say the things I wanna say, and do the things I feel like doing. I no longer hold myself back. If I want to say green jokes, I say it. I no longer care that I'm in the presence of girls in my class. Ofcourse I still feel as outcasted as ever, but hey, at least I still have my friend Patrick who talks to me. We can be as weird as we want to be. For the past years, even since high school, I've been trying to repress my true self, thinking that my classmates would tease me and bully me because I'm "isip-bata". Now, I can be myself because people ignore me. That's the only good thing though. Haha. Can't say I'm completely happy about that. I just wish I had a tad more friends. Well, whatever.


"Secret love, my escape, take me far far away
Secret love, are you there? Will You answer my prayer?
Please take me anywhere but here." - LSS. o_o